Badass Bible Verses
|This is hilarious, and informative. A compilation of the nine "most badass bible verses" from, of all places, Cracked Magazine--I think I remember reading that on the school bus when I was five years old and thought that Mad Magazine had totally sold out and gone corporate, and Cracked was where the seriously subversive fart jokes were.|
Here's a verse (with midrashic commentary) that didn't even get onto the list:
There was also Anath in Judges 3:31, who "struck down six hundred philistines with an oxgoad." An oxgoad is a sharp stick you used to poke oxen. That started the Israeli tradition of killing large numbers of their enemies with farmyard tools, which continued through Samson and onto modern times, where the Six Day War of 1967 was won by a crippled Israeli peasant wielding a watering can.The post reminds us that all the best bits of the Bible are generally avoided these days, as we have all become soft ever since that whole "blessed are the meek" thing. Anath lost out to Samson, of course, who killed 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass and then exulted, in a nice bit of extemporaneous versifying:
With the jawbone of an ass,
(Authorized Version, line breaks mine, but I think they're good ones.)
Can't you just imagine Milton sitting around, a bit upset with his fellow countrymen for calling them a captain back from Egypt, and saying to Thomas Ellwood, "You know, I guess Paradise Lost just wasn't quite badass enough to persuade them." And then Ellwood replies: "Thou hast said much of paradise lost. But what hast thou to say of slaying a thousand men with nothing but the jawbone of an ass?"